Becoming a father can bring an extraordinary mixture of emotions.
For some dads, the connection with their baby feels immediate. For others, the relationship develops much more gradually through the ordinary routines of caring for a newborn.
Both experiences are normal.
Bonding isn't a single magical moment that you either experience or miss. It's a relationship that can grow through holding, comforting, talking, feeding, changing nappies and simply spending time together.
And although the person who gave birth may naturally take centre stage during the earliest days — particularly when breastfeeding — there are many ways for dads and partners to build their own relationship with a new baby.
1. Start With Skin-to-Skin Contact
Skin-to-skin contact isn't only for mothers.
Holding your newborn against your bare chest can provide warmth, reassurance and an opportunity for close contact.
It can be particularly valuable if the mother isn't immediately able to have skin-to-skin contact after birth.
The NHS recognises that partners can provide skin-to-skin contact too, including following a Caesarean birth when the mother may temporarily be unable to do so.
But don't turn it into another task you have to perform perfectly.
Holding your baby close, talking quietly and allowing them to become familiar with you are all part of getting to know one another.
2. Don't Worry If You Don't Feel an Instant Bond
We often talk about parents “falling in love” with their babies the moment they're born.
Sometimes that happens.
Sometimes it doesn't.
You may feel overwhelmed, exhausted, frightened by the responsibility, slightly bewildered — or simply as though you're looking at a tiny person you haven't got to know yet.
A strong relationship doesn't have to begin with an overwhelming emotional moment.
It can develop gradually.
Changing the tenth nappy, walking around the room with a restless baby at 3am, learning which sound means hunger and which means tiredness — these ordinary moments are part of becoming their parent.
3. Get Involved in Everyday Care
One of the simplest ways to get to know your baby is to care for them.
That might mean:
- changing nappies
- dressing them
- settling them
- bathing them
- winding them after feeds
- holding them while your partner rests
- taking them for a walk
- helping with bedtime as they grow
Don't think of these things as “helping Mum”.
You're parenting your baby.
The more everyday care you share, the more opportunities you have to learn your baby's individual cues and personality.
4. Talk to Your Baby
Your newborn doesn't need a carefully planned conversation.
Talk about what you're doing.
Tell them about your day.
Sing badly.
Read the newspaper aloud.
Make up ridiculous songs while changing their nappy.
Babies begin learning about voices, sounds and communication from their earliest days, and hearing your voice is another way for them to become familiar with you.
You don't need to entertain them constantly. Ordinary conversation and interaction are enough.
5. Learn Your Baby's Cues
At first, a newborn can appear to communicate almost exclusively by crying.
Over time, you'll begin noticing smaller signals.
You may start recognising when your baby is becoming hungry, tired, overstimulated or simply wants to be held.
You won't interpret every signal correctly.
Neither will your partner.
Learning your baby's cues is something that develops through spending time together.
Responding consistently and sensitively helps your baby experience you as one of the people who cares for and comforts them.
6. Find Your Own Ways to Comfort Them
It can be frustrating when your baby settles more easily with the person who gave birth — particularly in the early weeks.
Try not to interpret that as rejection.
Experiment with what works between you and your baby.
Perhaps they like being held against your chest.
Perhaps walking slowly around the room helps.
They may settle when you sing, rock them gently or take them outside in the pram.
Over time, you may discover particular ways of comforting them that become uniquely yours.
7. You Can Bond With a Breastfed Baby
If your partner is breastfeeding, it's easy to assume that feeding creates a relationship you can't participate in.
But feeding is only one part of caring for a newborn.
You can bring your partner a drink or something to eat, help her get comfortable, take the baby afterwards for winding or settling, change nappies and take over other aspects of care.
Most importantly, don't measure your relationship with your baby against the breastfeeding relationship.
Your baby doesn't need two identical relationships.
They are getting to know you.
If breastfeeding is part of your family's experience, our guide Breastfeeding: Is There a Right or Wrong Way? explains some of what the early weeks can involve.
8. If You're Bottle Feeding, Make Feeding Responsive
If your baby is having expressed breast milk or formula from a bottle, feeding can provide another opportunity for closeness.
The NHS recommends responsive bottle feeding — responding to your baby's feeding cues, holding them close, maintaining eye contact and allowing them to pace the feed rather than encouraging them to finish a bottle.
Try to keep feeding calm and unhurried.
And remember that feeding isn't simply about getting milk into your baby. Holding, talking and responding to them are part of the experience too.
9. Read Together
Your newborn doesn't understand the story — and that doesn't matter.
Reading gives your baby an opportunity to hear the rhythm and sound of your voice while spending quiet time with you.
You don't even need special baby books initially.
Read something you enjoy.
As your baby becomes more alert, brightly illustrated books, rhymes and repetitive stories can become part of your time together.
10. Make Room for Play
Play with a newborn is wonderfully uncomplicated.
Looking at your face is interesting.
Hearing you make different sounds is interesting.
Watching you smile is interesting.
As your baby develops, interaction will gradually become more reciprocal. They may begin smiling, making sounds and responding more obviously to you.
Follow their lead rather than feeling you need to constantly stimulate them.
If they turn away, become unsettled or seem tired, they may simply need a break.
11. Create Everyday Rituals
You don't need elaborate bonding activities.
Often it's repetition that makes something special.
Perhaps bath time becomes yours.
Perhaps you take the first morning walk.
Perhaps there's a particular song you sing while changing them.
Perhaps you read together before bed.
These small routines give you regular one-to-one time and allow your relationship to develop naturally.
12. Carrying Your Baby Can Create Closeness
Some parents enjoy using a sling or baby carrier as a way of keeping their baby close while moving around.
If you use one, make sure it's appropriate for your baby's age and weight and that you understand how to position your baby safely.
The NHS recommends following TICKS guidance when using a sling:
Tight
In view at all times
Close enough to kiss
Keep chin off the chest
Supported back
Your baby's airway must remain clear and you should be able to see their face.
13. Support Their Mother Too
Bonding with your baby doesn't happen separately from the enormous adjustment taking place around you.
The weeks after birth can involve feeding, interrupted sleep, physical recovery, changing emotions and an extraordinary amount of practical work.
Taking responsibility for meals, laundry, shopping, visitors and household tasks can give your partner space to recover while also giving you opportunities to take an active role in caring for your baby.
Our Partner's Guide to Postpartum Care covers this side of becoming a parent in much more detail.
14. Remember That Dads Can Struggle Too
The arrival of a baby is a major life change for both parents.
Partners can experience anxiety, low mood, exhaustion and difficulties adjusting to parenthood too.
You don't have to pretend everything is wonderful because you're supposed to be the person supporting everybody else.
Talk to somebody you trust if you're struggling.
If low mood, anxiety or other difficulties are persistent or affecting everyday life, speak to your GP or another healthcare professional.
If you or somebody else is in immediate danger or unable to stay safe, call 999 or go to A&E.
15. Give the Relationship Time
Perhaps your baby settles beautifully on you from the beginning.
Perhaps they don't.
Perhaps you feel instantly transformed by fatherhood.
Perhaps you gradually grow into it.
There isn't a deadline.
The relationship you build with your child will be shaped by thousands of ordinary interactions over many years — not by whether you experienced a perfect bonding moment during their first few days.
Be present.
Care for them.
Learn about them.
And allow the relationship to develop.
Fatherhood During the Fourth Trimester
The first weeks after birth are sometimes called the Fourth Trimester — a period when your baby is adjusting to life outside the womb while the person who gave birth is recovering physically and emotionally.
It's also a period of enormous adjustment for partners.
Understanding what's happening during these weeks can make the transition into parenthood feel less bewildering.
And for a broader perspective see the Primrose + Ginger guide: Fourth Trimester: The Complete Guide
Further Reading
Pregnancy for Partners: How to Support Her Through the 9 Months
Partner's Guide to Postpartum Care
Written by Primrose + Ginger